I Have Died Every Day Waiting for You
by AnonymouslyAddicted
Summary: Waiting. Breaking. Falling apart. But always together.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : It is literally killing me how much potential the whole Iran storyline had, and how little they used it. So I just can't help but allow my mind to wander there. Hope you'll like the outcome! Please review, it makes my day!

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 **I Have Died Every Day Waiting for You**

He waited.

The girls fell asleep shortly after they got the phone call, drawn out from the events of the day. But he waited. He waited for sleep to come, he waited for his heart to stop racing and for his head to stop spinning. But mostly he waited for her. He kept hoping and wishing she'd get a line somehow and call him. He didn't need much from her; He imagined she's a wreck after he heard from Russell what happened. But he needed badly to know she's somewhere around the world, but on the other end of the line. He needed to hear her voice, her breath, something, anything to let him know she really was alive.

He was sitting in bed; the girls spooned together next to him on her side of the bed. His eyes got teary again as he thought that there was a chance she will never fill her spot in bed next to him; That his girls will forever be the last ones to lie there. He couldn't imagine beyond this moment- he had no ability to picture a life without her in it, and he was just so grateful she survived.

When the phone vibrated in his hand he was not surprised. "No Caller ID" it said on the screen. It must be her, it has to be her, he thought. He got up and headed to the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and answered the phone. "Babe?" He asked, almost whispering, as if afraid to startle her.

She didn't answer. She couldn't bring herself to speak. She felt numb and mute, so overwhelmed by the sound of his voice. As she lied on the floor at Javani's house with Fred lying dead on top of her, and while bullets flew above her head, all she could think was that she was going to die in that house. That she will never again see her husband or her children. That she didn't keep her promise to him that it will be okay and that she will come home. It was probably the last coherent thought she had before she blacked out and woke up to find herself at a car with Javani's agents as they took her to safety.

She was sobbing quietly into the phone, and he just listened. He didn't know what to say. He wanted more than anything to hold her in his arms, to whisper sweet words in her ear and to promise her everything will be alright. But truth was he was a wreck himself, spending the last 48 hours with the torturous thought that he lost her forever. He was also not fully aware of what happened there or what her condition was. All he knew was that she blacked out and needed medical care due to injuries caused by the explosion. He tried not to think about it too much either, because his mind took him to dark places of her lying on the floor while the rebels having their way with her just to prove a point. This image was simply unbearable.

They stayed like this for a long 10 minutes before he heard people around her talking in German. "You need to go? Hang up if you do, it's okay".

Still unable to speak, she let out a low sigh, a cry escaping as she did. "Liz I... I can't wait to hold you. Hang in there. For me". He whispered, almost crying himself, choking his tears not to burden her.

She hung up the phone, but he stayed on the bathroom floor for hours, sobbing. He hated not knowing, not seeing her, not holding her. He hated that she was alone, feeling lonely. He wanted to get on the first flight to Germany and just be with her, but Frank talked him out of it and explained she was still in great danger, a mark the rebels would love to take to show they won after all, and if he were to come it would only interfere with their work of protecting her. She left with a small detail as it is, and having lost few of them almost made it impossible to protect her, so they just couldn't protect Henry as well. Henry hated it, but understood the logic in that and the last thing he wanted to do was his put her life at risk.

When he was finally able to calm down he got up and headed back to the bedroom. He stood there for a few minutes, staring at his daughters, sleeping soundly, finally.

It was almost morning when the sun coming through the living room window woke him up. He fell asleep on the couch, his phone resting on his chest so he'd wake up if she ever called again. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat down. The house was quiet and he figured it was still very early. Still, his phone vibrated again, the same unknown caller, and he was so happy he woke up.

"Dr. McCord, it's Frank".

Henry sighed. "Hi Frank".

"I'm sorry if I woke you, the time differences are quite confusing".

"No, it's okay. I wasn't sleeping so much".

"I'm bringing her home Sir. She got the medical care she needed here in Germany, so our plane leaves in 3 hours. We'll land at 16:00 local time. We are landing at Cherry Point since we are bringing the bodies of our agents. It's a 4 hours rides to Georgetown, so don't think about driving there, they won't let you in the base anyway. I will drive her myself, I will bring her back okay? Don't worry".

Henry thanked Frank and hung up the phone. He was so grateful her Security Detail were fond of her so they were literally willing to die for her. It made him sad thinking of Fred, how he died, leaving his wife and children alone, just so that he could have his beloved wife back. It was just another time Henry felt God went silent on him.

He must've checked his watch every 20 seconds since Frank called. He knew there was still time until they arrived, but it seemed to him like time just stopped, now, of all times. He wanted her to walk through the door so badly. And then it sunk – the realization that he didn't even know if she was walking on her own, or if Frank was about to wheel her into the house. And then his heart began racing, his mind looking for answers – the house was not suitable for her – all the bedrooms and bathrooms were upstairs. He couldn't believe he didn't think of this before, and now she was nearly there and he had no suitable place for her.

It was then that Stevie walked into the living room, finding her dad sitting on the couch, his eyes moving rapidly, clearly thinking of something, his face possessing panic. "Dad? Hey, what's bothering you so much?"

"Stevie, what if she can't walk? I don't know if she's walking on her own".

Stevie took the place next to him on the couch, resting her hand on his shoulder "We'll manage Dad. Worst case, you move to a hotel room for a while".

"What if it's not for a while? What if it's _permanent_?"

Stevie suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Could her mom really be hurt that badly? "Dad" she started, swallowing hard. "We'll remodel or move, whatever it takes. Don't worry about this. She's coming home, that's all that matters".

Henry nodded, his eyes filling with tears. Stevie was right – all that really mattered was that she was coming home. He would deal with the rest, as long as he had her with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : Thank you all for your awesome reviews! I am sorry I'm taking such a long time in updating my fics, I'm working crazy hours and I just can't seem to get to the writing. Which sucks because then I end up forgetting. Anyway, hope you'll like this chapter as well! Comments are my sunshine!

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He waited.

He was sitting by the window as he saw her detail pulling up the drive way. He jumped, calling "She's here" to his children. He was so thankful at that moment that he knew she was sitting, alive, in one of those cars; That no one was going to knock on his door with a sad face, giving him horrible news, trying but failing to console him.

He was on his way to the door when she came in. The first thing he noticed was how pale she was, and that made her look weak and small. He wondered how it was possible that she changed so much in such a short time. The second thing he noticed was that each step involved great pain. It was beginning to sink- the understanding she was like a wounded solider returning from war, and unseen injuries will unfold in time. The third thing he noticed was how she barely blinked, as if afraid to close her eyes for one second because all the memories came floating. The forth thing he noticed, when she was already in his arms, was how stiff her body was, how she was unable to relax, even with him wrapping her. The fifth thing he noticed was that she didn't move her right arm. He didn't know if she was paralyzed or just in too much pain. He was still trying to assess the damages when their children came rushing down the stairs, throwing themselves at her, hugging and kissing her. And then he noticed the sixth thing- she was thrilled to see them, she was. He could see on her face that she really thought she wouldn't live the day to watch them grow older. But she was also terrified, of the world perhaps. She was trying to hold on to them, as if they were fading away.

"Are you hungry? I'll make you dinner, whatever you choose".

"No, thanks Noodle, but I'm not really hungry".

Henry took one more glance at his wife to see she was exhausted. He gave Stevie a look and she understood his unspoken request – don't push her, she wasn't the same person who left just a few days ago. Putting an arm on Alison's shoulder she said "Come on you dorks, let's watch a movie".

Henry smiled at his daughter, mouthing thank you to her as they faded into the living room. He rested his hand on the small of Elizabeth's back and she flinched, moving from his touch. That was the seventh thing he noticed- she was probably standing with her back to the window when the explosion happened, and she must have cuts all over her back. "I'm sorry" he whispered.

Elizabeth smiled, resting her hand on his chest, right where his heart was beating. She needed so badly to feel the beating of his heart, to know it wasn't a dream, that she really came home, and was really standing with him at that moment.

"How about a glass of wine, a bath and then sleep? Sounds like a plan to you?" he asked, taking her hand in his, needing desperately to feel the warmth of her skin.

"Yes. But…" she started, not quite finding the words.

Henry understood – she was probably unable to undress alone. "Do you want me to get Stevie?"

"No. God no. I don't mind you seeing me naked" she smiled. "I just, it looks pretty bad Henry".

"Babe, I've seen people without arms and legs, I'm pretty sure I can survive your injuries" That was a blunt lie. He have seen injuries by far worse than hers, that part was true. But none of those people were his _wife_ , and the thought of her hurt, even if it was just a small scratch, hurt him deeply, a pain he never thought he could actually feel.

She bought his lie, because at that moment she was too tired to think. All she wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep, hoping to silence the ringing in her ears.

As they stood in the bathroom he tugged her hair behind her ear, smiling at her. "Where does it hurt? So I'll be careful".

"It hurts pretty much everywhere, but I've got about 20 stiches on my back, and some pretty bad cuts on my arm. Also, I dislocated my shoulder so it hurts to even move it".

Henry nodded. He carefully tugged the end of her sweater and she lifted her left arm. Slowly and carefully he removed the sweater, unveiling scars and bruises that covered her body. She let out a sigh when the sweater was off and gave him a light smile.

"You need a minute babe?"

"Yeah, it really hurts".

Henry caressed her cheek carefully and she closed her eyes leaning into his hand, falling into his touch. "Will it hurt if I kiss you?" He asked.

"Never" she said, moving closer to him.

His lips only brushed hers at first, but then he deepened the kiss, his tongue swirling in her mouth, lips covering hers completely. It was desperate, yet gentle. It was loving and caring. It was saying _I missed you_ and _don't ever leave me_.

When they broke the kiss his hands gently reached to the clasp of her bra, unhooking it and removing it slowly. He then bent down, removing her pants and panties slowly. He had to swallow hard at the sight of the bruises that covered her legs. He refused to believe that one of his worst nightmares might become a reality. He always feared she would be sexually assaulted in one way or another- she was sexy and beautiful and he heard too many horror stories when he was at the army. And then she was recruited to the CIA and was starting to run ops at the field and the fear just grew bigger. He always packed her bag with pepper spray and he once even taught her some defense moves, but she found it funny and told him he worries too much and that everything will be alright. And then she went to Iran and he couldn't stop thinking of the stories he heard about women who have been kidnapped and raped just because the troops were bored and lonely. Traveling to a country that never even banned rape was certainly not reassuring.

He peppered kisses on her stomach to distract himself from that sight and she laughed because it tickled.

Later in the shower she turned around so he can soap her back. It was then he saw the cuts and scratches that covered her entire back. He felt sick to his stomach when he saw the size of the cut on the lower part of her back. 20 stitches, he counted.

"Babe..."

"I thought you said you're a tough Marine!" She joked, turning her head to him, smiling.

"I am, it's just... It looks bad honey".

"Imagine how it feels" she smiled again.

"Babe I'm serious, it's infected".

"Yeah I know. The stitched were done by a medical officer at the bunker in Iran, and it wasn't very sterile. They gave me antibiotics in _Landstuhl_. Don't worry".

"You are going to a follow up right?"

"I will, I will".

Henry nodded and kissed her neck. "God it's good to have you back" he whispered.

He washed the soap from her and helped her out of the shower, wrapping her carefully in the towel. He then helped her to her pajamas, kissing her ever so often, trying to make up for the lost time. He always hated being apart from her, but this time was by far the hardest.

"Come on, let's get some sleep, we both need it" he said after getting into his boxers. She thanked him with another kiss, and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her for a hug. He was desperate not to lose contact with her, needing to feel her close to him, as if to reassure him she was breathing, living, not an illusion.

"Do you mind sleeping on my side of the bed?"

"Babe I'd sleep on rocks and nails if you ask me, just as long as you're in my arms".

She smiled and snuggled next to him in bed and they both drifted into sleep, exhausted and overwhelmed.

Hours later he woke up. He had a nightmare that she never returned. He dreamt of burying her, of saying goodbye, of never seeing her again. He was crying in his sleep, mumbling I love you and I can't live without you. She finally woke up when he called out to her, saying "Elizabeth don't leave me, please". Tears were sliding down her cheeks as she realized Iran had affected him just as badly as it had affected her. He was a wreck, and he was trying to hold it together for her. She tried to wake him but he was deep in his sleep, in this nightmare. She got up, leaving his embrace. She couldn't bear the sound of him crying, the pain he was carrying. She realized he will never get over this, he will never be able to be apart from her without constantly worrying she might not return.

She sat on the couch in front of their bed and cried quietly as she watched him tossing and turning, as his mumbles echoed in her ears- My life is worthless without you, how could you leave me like that.

He finally woke up, gasping for air. He looked for her in bed next to him and panicked when he didn't feel her warmth next to him. He had to rub off the sleep to realize it was just a dream. And then he heard her quiet sobs from across the room. He sat up and saw her crawled like a child, sitting in the corner of the couch, crying.

"Hey hey baby!" He called, jumping out of bed and moving quickly to sit next to her. "Why didn't you wake me? You should wake me. Don't deal with this alone".

"I tried." She whispered. "I, you had a nightmare".

He looked down, not meeting her eyes, the sound of her sobs cutting through him. "I'm sorry" he said as he realized he was mumbling in his sleep.

"No, no! I am sorry Henry. I can't believe I put you through this".

"It doesn't matter anymore babe. You're here, you came back".

"It does. You will live with this for a long time now. I'm sorry I did this to you. I hate myself for this".

"No! Don't! Baby you've been through enough, don't put this on yourself as well. It's not your fault that I'm helplessly in love with you. Don't worry about me, I will eventually let you out of my sight without calling you every 5 seconds". He smiled, hoping to cheer her up, to lift this burden from her. "Baby, promise me you're not going to make this your fault, please".

"I promise I'll try. But I am sorry". She said as he wiped the tears from her eyes. "And for the record, I don't mind you calling me every 5 seconds". She smiled softly as he tugged her hair behind her ear.

They were staring at each other for a few minutes, both wondering what the other one was thinking.

"Henry, I wasn't raped" she suddenly said.

His eyes opened wide and he wondered if he said something in his sleep about this, or if he was that see-through that she knew exactly what was on his mind. "What?"

"I saw the way you looked at the wounds on my legs. I wasn't raped".

He stared at her, unable to find the words to the thoughts that ran wildly in his head.

"Henry, they gave me a rape test. I'm not hiding this from you. I… When we arrived to _Landstuhl_ I... My panties were bloody and I had these wounds on my legs. So they did a rape test".

He suddenly felt his head heavy on his shoulders, the room was spinning. He tried to hold on to what she opened with, but he couldn't help but picture her in those bloody panties, not knowing what had happened. "And?" He was finally able to ask.

"And the blood was Fred's. It soaked through my clothes. No one touched me".

"You are not just saying it so I wouldn't worry?"

"Henry, I wouldn't lie to you about it. I swear".

Henry nodded, kissing her softly. "Thanks God" he whispered. "I couldn't live with the thought you went through something so terrible. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you".

"Henry, you can't protect me from everything. Things happen. Terrible things happen. It's just the way life is".

"I know, but still..."

"No, don't carry this weight. It will take its toll if you do. I don't want that for any of us".

He wanted to promise her he will do better, but since the day he met her, he always felt this desperate need to protect her, at all cost, too frightened to lose her. Instead he just pulled her into his arms and kissed her tears, then her eyes and her nose and finally her lips.

"Elizabeth I love you".

"I love you too".


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** : Sorry again for taking my time with this update. In addition to my crazy work hours, I also got sick so I was pretty much in bed all day. This chapter is a complete mess, I hope it'll make sense to you, as it is moving between the scenes of the show. I added a few of the sayings from the episode, but it didn't feel right to put it all in, so I hope you can figure out what goes where. Thank you so so much for all your reviews, it's making me so happy! More reviews are needed, as always!

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He waited.

She came back three days ago, but he still waited for her to return. He waited for her to break, to cry, to fall apart. He waited for her to tell him what had happened there, to give him something to explain the darkness in her eyes. He waited for her to open up to him so he can try and put the pieces back together. But nothing. She was working around the clock since she returned to work, not even minding the aches and pains she still had. Of course she didn't even bother to go to the follow up she said she'll go. And she would come home late at night, barely talk to him, and go straight to bed just so she could lie awake all night, staring at the ceiling.

He knew some of the details about what had happened that night. One night when it was about 12am and she was still at the office he finally dared to open the report the President sent him. He demanded the information, wanting to know every little thing about the night he almost lost the love of his life. But for days he couldn't bring himself to open it, to face the words – black and white on the paper – describing the danger she was at. At that night he couldn't sleep. The image of her lying wounded on the floor with Fred lying dead on top of her didn't leave his mind. He realized soon enough that Fred had jumped to push Elizabeth to the floor, to save her from the bullet that ended up killing him. It could've been Elizabeth in just a blink of an eye, in a matter of seconds. If Fred wasn't attentive enough or brave enough or committed enough, it would've been her. That bullet that entered Fred's heart and killed him on the spot would've killed her. Just like that. No warning, no second chances. Just like Javani had died, her fate could've been the same.

The report went on and on about the day after the coup – how bodies were hung on the streets like puppets, a display of the rebels to show what they are capable of. How it would take years to restore all the damage that was cost, to bury all the bodies of the people who died. He knew she must have witnessed some of this horror, if not all of it, and knowing Elizabeth he was certain it had affected her. Hell, he only read the report and he felt sick to his stomach every time he thought about it. After 9/11, Elizabeth didn't need much to feel guilty about things that were actually out of her hand. And if 9/11 had affected her so badly without even being in New York, he could only imagine what Iran had done to her, seeing it all first handed.

That night when she finally came home he jumped from the chair in his office and rushed to the door, taking her in his arms and kissing her desperately.

"Hmm" she moaned. "You taste like scotch" she said as she pecked his lips again. "Why are you up so late?"

"I was waiting for you. I barely see you these days".

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. Work is crazy".

She was avoiding his eyes, not wanting him to ask her why she's barely answering his calls or texts, why she rarely says anything to him when they have breakfast and why she refuses to let him hold her every night. He knew the answer though. He did not need to ask – he could see it in her eyes – the sadness, the loneliness. The fact that she is unable to sleep, that she was always alerted and edgy. He heard her tossing and turning in bed every night, he saw how tired she was and how little she had to eat. And when she snapped at him for not backing her up regarding Jason's security he was beginning to understand she was suffering from PTSD. The pieces of the puzzle fit the description Kevin Boyd gave him – she was barely sleeping, very hyper vigilant, probably having flashbacks, and her temper – she never snapped at him the way she did when he argued about providing Jason with a security guy. But in spite of knowing all of that, Kevin's words still echoed in his ears - _there's not much you can do, besides be there for them. They're not going to talk until they're ready_.

So she didn't talk. Not when he tried to ask her about it, not when they sat in complete silence and he just stared at her, not even when he tried to call her after she left angry when he refused to be unfair to Jason. It was 3:30am when he woke up to find an empty bed and heard the sounds of Jason's video game. He went downstairs to find her half lying of the couch, playing the game.

"It's late, I didn't even hear you come in" he said as he sank on the couch next to her.

"Just winding down" she answered, not taking her eyes from the game.

"By playing a video game you've never shown any interest in at 3:30 in the morning?"

"Yup".

"Sorry I was such a bitch before" she said after a moment of silence, still not meeting his eyes.

He wanted to tell her she wasn't a bitch, that she can yell and scream at him all she wants if it'll make her feel better, that she should talk to him, should let him try and help her. But he didn't want to push her. The fact that she was sitting there with him and talking to him felt like progress, and he didn't want to make her feel insecure. "It's okay" he answered.

"How was Jason's first day?"

"It was fine. Everything's fine", he said trying to reassure her. Truth was Jason's first day was fine, and everything else was fine. He had talked to Jason and explained to him that his mother was having a hard time getting over what had happened in Iran and that's why she wanted him to have a bodyguard, and he asked Jason to be patient and promised him he was not going to let Elizabeth's issues hurt him. So yeah, everything was fine. Except for her. She was anything _but_ fine.

"No, it isn't".

They sat in silence for the rest of the night. He didn't want to tell her she was right and that she reached a breaking point. He kept hoping she would say more, but she stayed numb, focused on a video game that involved gun shots and carnage. He wondered how it was possible that such game calmed her down, but he realized quickly the game allowed her control, while the incident in Iran spiraled out of her hands in matter of seconds, costing the lives of so many.

His mind refused to give him rest. He kept thinking about her, about what he can do to make her feel comfortable enough to talk to him. He was probably talking nonsense in his class, so focused on his thoughts, so he was happy when his phone rang, hoping she was calling to ask him to meet her for lunch.

"Dr. McCord, it's Blake".

His heart probably stopped for a split second. If Blake was calling it was probably because something had happened.

"What happened?" he blurted out.

"The Secretary was not feeling well, she said she might have a heart attack. An ambulance just took her to the hospital. She was, um… She was calling for you and I promised her I would get a hold of you and make sure you meet her. I… I already sent a car to pick you up".

It was about 15 minutes drive from Georgetown University to the hospital, but it felt like forever. He couldn't stop thinking that she returned from Iran to have a heart attack and he might lose her without even getting a chance to say goodbye. He couldn't stop thinking of how scared she was and how badly he wanted to be there with her, to see her, even if it was just one last time. His heart was beating fast and he felt like he was about to faint – all the sounds around him were distant and muffled. He took a deep breath when the car stopped at the ER entrance and he jumped out, running inside, locating her Detail in seconds. The agents moved to clear the road for him as he finally reached her, grabbing her hand. He let out a sigh when he say she was awake, when he touched her and she was warm, when she grabbed tightly on his hand, not wanting him to let go.

He waited outside the X-Ray room, her engagement and wedding rings in his hand. She rarely took her rings off, they had become part of her and she always felt bare without them. But jewelries were not allowed during the X-Ray and he was forced to wait outside at well. Holding her rings in his hand, he had to swallow the tears, thinking of the possibility of her dying, of someone handing him those rings as a last remainder of her. He looked at the engraving on her wedding ring – _"No One But You"_. He smiled because after more than 25 years together it was still so very true – there was no one but her, no one that will ever take her place. He was determined to make sure she remembers that, that she knows that no matter what will happen, there will never be anyone but her.

When they finished the tests and settled her in a room, he sat on her bed and took her hand in his, placing the rings back on her finger. "Only one" he whispered. She smiled and pulled him closer to her, kissing him. "Only one" she whispered on his lips.

He couldn't believe it when hours later he was sitting with her in the car as they drove back to the state department. It was like she didn't hear what the doctor told her, or chose to ignore Henry's pleas that she'd stay home and rest. He argued at first, angry that she was yet again putting her work and country at first place and her own safety and health second. But he didn't want to make her condition worse than it already was, too afraid anything would throw her back to a panic attack. He realized she wasn't taking this very seriously, and that her remark that she wishes it had been a heart attack was more serious than she led on. He wondered if she truly understood that what she had was PTSD and not just a panic attack. He wanted to tell her this will happen again if she doesn't start taking things slow, if she doesn't talk to anyone. But she told him she wasn't ready to talk about what had happened, and he couldn't push her. So he eventually agreed to drive with her to the state department, in spite of how much he thought this was a bad idea.

He kissed her goodbye and watched her as she entered the building, slowly fading away from his sight. He got back to the car and was heading back home when his phone rang.

"Henry?"

"Babe?" he asked, barely hearing her.

"Yeah".

"Hey why are you crying baby?"

"So ... turns out, you were right. Maybe, um, coming back today wasn't such a hot idea after all".

"I'm on my way to get you okay? I'm coming Elizabeth".

He hung up the phone with a loud sigh. He hated himself for not insisting she'd come home with him, for leaving her alone like that.

He called Blake, thanking God for sending this kid into their lives. If anyone could get Elizabeth out of the building in her condition without making her feel ashamed was him, and he would move heaven and earth for her.

"Dr. McCord?"

"Hi Blake. I need your help".

"Is she alright? She closed the door, saying she can handle herself".

"No, she isn't. I'm on my way back and I need you to get her out of there. She's… She's crying and you know her, she'd hate for you to see her like that, but I'd rather you see her like that than anyone else. Could you get her out? Will you?"

"Of course! I will come up with a plan, don't worry".

About 25 minutes later and she was in his arms, sobbing. He held her tight and tried to calm her down, worried her heart would start racing again. He called Stevie on his way back to Elizabeth and asked her to take Alison and Jason out so that she would have all the space she needed to fall apart, to let it all out. He wanted her to feel comfortable enough so that she'd stop hiding behind these walls that she built and finally let him in.

He carried her upstairs to their bed when the car pulled at their house. He lied next to her, pulling her to his embrace, holding her still. She was finally calming down, only quiet tears filling her eyes and every once in a while she would sigh, as if releasing some unknown pain. He moved his fingers through her hair, planting kisses on her forehead, and waited. By this time he was accustomed to waiting – waiting for her to call, waiting for her to return, waiting for her to come back to him.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N** : Same as always, I start by apologizing for taking so very long to update. I wish I had more time to write, I really do. I'd write every day, all day if I could! I can't thank you enough for your reviews, you're the best and you make me so so happy! As for this chapter- truth was I thought of just moving along with this story and the show, but then I remembered that the reason I started this story in the first place was because of how much I was lacking scenes for this storyline, so I decided to stop sticking to what had happened on the show, and went a little dark with this chapter. I hope you'll like it, I didn't have a concrete idea when I sat down to write it, so I just went along with it and I'm not sure about the outcome. Anyway, comments are always a bless!

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He waited.

After Russell left he waited for her to finally open up to him. They were playing Jason's video game again – it was probably the only thing that soothed her these days – and he just wanted her to talk, to tell him something, anything. He wanted to ask her if she was planning on going to the therapist Russell suggested but he didn't want to push her after she clearly said she wasn't ready to talk. But as they sat there, playing a game that neither of them cared about at that moment, her back was turned to him but he saw her every once in a while taking a deep breath, trying to focus on the game and not on the images in her mind. When he heard her swallowing hard, realizing she was chocking down a cry, he finally decided to ask, offering her a safe place to break.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

He sat there and listened as she blamed herself for the death of her agents, as she mourned Fred's death and walked around with the guilt of it. He saw how much it had taken from her – knowing that one of her closest agents had died protecting her. He tried to explain Fred was only doing his job, that that's what he signed for, and that he saved her so she could come home to her family. He tried to tell her she can't carry this, that it was his decision, and that he would've done it again. He knew fare well what it was like to live with the guilt of the choices he made, he knew what it was like when he couldn't save one of his crew members as one of the jets went down back in _Dessert Storm_ , and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel that way.

"And then there's Abdol … He was there in the room, too. I didn't tell you... I didn't tell anyone... Because I couldn't get to him…"

Henry sighed. The guilt of Fred's death was just a needle in the haystack. The reason she was so haunted by Iran was Abdol. And he couldn't blame her. Seeing this little child having to watch his father dying right in front of him, of course she wanted nothing more than to protect this little boy. That was who she was, it was one of the million reasons why he loved her so much. But it also meant something like that was bound to destroy her, because she was always feeling so guilty for everything, even when it was out of her hand. But this, this was even worse. Because this was her best friend, and she trusted her. This was her authorizing this op and this was her who had to watch Abdol seeing his father murdered and was unable to help him. And it was why she fought so hard to get protection for Jason, even though he was in no danger.

"Fred was on top of me, and I couldn't... get to him". Henry had to shut his eyes and swallow hard. He knew Fred died from a bullet that was meant for his wife, and he imagined Fred ducked her down to protect her, but as he heard her describing again how Fred lied on top of her, that image that she could've been the one being hurt by that bullet, he couldn't erase that image from his mind, and he couldn't get over that pain he felt every time he thought about how close he came to losing her forever.

"Henry, what have I done to our sweet children?" she suddenly asked and he wanted so badly to go back to a time when she wasn't blaming herself for destroying their children, when she wasn't so scared of the things she had done. She was always nothing but a loving and caring mother, protecting them with all her hearts, putting their needs above everything else. He wanted to answer but there were no words, so when she reached out and rested her hand on his knee, he caressed her back, hoping she would crawl into his arms so he can wrap her, so he can protect her, so he can whisper in her ears she hadn't done anything wrong.

Later he was standing at Jason's doorway, watching her sleeping soundly. It must've been the first night since her return that she was able to close her eyes and sleep. He didn't want to wake her but he didn't want to scare Jason as well and he figured if Jason would wake up to find her there, he'll be afraid something bad had happened. He quietly entered the room and caressed her cheek. He missed seeing her so peaceful, as if nothing was haunting her. He wondered if there will ever be a time in the future when she'd go back to normal, to the way she was before she kissed him goodbye and ran out the door to that horrible place.

He carefully picked her up and she wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head against his shoulder. He carried her to their bed and gently placed her under the covers, kissing her forehead lightly. He turned around to leave when she grabbed his arm tightly.

"Don't go, please. Don't leave me" she whispered.

He moved closer to her and sat on the bed beside her. He noticed that she was afraid, and he wasn't sure why. "I'm not going anywhere babe, I'm right here" he said, smiling and holding onto her hand.

Her eyes welled up with tears as she glanced at him, the haunted look in her eyes. "I'm sorry… I… I'm so sorry Henry. Please, forgive me. I… Don't leave me, I'm sorry". She cried out loud.

"Babe what are you sorry for? You did nothing wrong!" He tried, but she cried harder.

"I… It's my fault, all of it – Fred, Javani, Abdol. I ruined their families, and I ruined ours – I screwed up Ali's birthday and… I messed up their lives… And… Henry, promise me you won't leave me for this, please".

"Elizabeth! It's not your fault, none of this is your fault! Things happen, and you can't make it your fault. No, I'm not going to let you make it your fault! And I will never leave you, are you crazy?! Why would you even think I'd leave you?! Don't you know how much I love you?"

She was crying hysterically by now, trying but failing to say what was on her mind. She was panting, the room was spinning around her and she felt like her heart was about to burst out of her chest. Henry got up and ran to the bathroom to get her a brown paper bag, but that only made her cry even more. He returned and sat beside her, handing her the bag, wrapping his arm around her.

"Shh, it's alright baby, I'm here, you're alright. Just breathe, everything will be okay, I promise" he said as he stroked her back, trying to calm her down. But it was no help. 30 minutes into the panic attack and she was still breathless, still shaking, still crying. Although her doctor warned him it was likely she would have another panic attack, he was getting worried and he scared. He knew she'd refuse to go to the hospital but he was out of ways to calm her down and he knew if she wouldn't stop crying it will only get worse. He regretted ever picking her up from Jason's bed.

He was too focused on her to hear their bedroom door open. "Dad?" Stevie asked, a terrified look on her face. "Dad, what's wrong?" she cried out. She never saw her mother weak before. Not when she had Mono when Jason was a year old; not when Allison broke her arm and Elizabeth was rushed to her kindergarten; not when 9/11 events had happened; and not even when her father died when Stevie was 16. She was always standing up straight, strong, independent. Nothing like the person she found in her parents' bedroom at that moment. At that moment her mother looked small and weak, she looked shattered and broken; she was pale and her eyes were red from crying. She wanted to rub her eyes and wake up from this nightmare but it wasn't a dream, and it was, she then realized, their new reality.

"Stevie… I… Go back to sleep, I've got this, it's okay".

"Dad… How long has she been like this?"

"35 minutes. But she's going to get past this, you have nothing to worry about, it's only temporary". He could see how frightened his daughter was, and truth was he was frightened as well. He was helpless and scared and he wasn't even sure it was temporary.

"Dad, call the doctor, please. She's… You have to call the doctor".

Henry nodded. She was right, this was clearly getting out of his hands and he didn't want to risk it. "Sit with her okay? Rub her back, it soothes her, and make sure she breathes into the bag". He got up and Stevie took his place next to her mother, pulling her closer, wishing she'd have some sort of miracle to make it all go away for her, that she'd have some magic powers or words to calm her down, just like he mother did countless of times when she was a child.

When Henry finally returned 30 minutes later he had a small bag of pills in his hand. The doctor gave him a pill of Valium as a last resort and ordered Henry to take her up to a Psychiatrist to get a prescription for anxiety pills. He entered the room, hoping he'd find her in a different state than when he left because the last thing he wanted was to argue with her about taking the pill. But seeing her, it seemed like it was only getting worse than when he left and he realized he had no choice, and neither does she – she'll have to take it.

"Elizabeth, take this, you have to take this" he said as he handed her the pill and a glass of water.

She shook her head and pushed his hand out of the way.

"Mom!" Stevie called. "Take it! For me, please! Take it!" she cried. It was enough to break Elizabeth, and with shaking hands she took the pill and water from Henry. Henry sat on her other side, wrapping his hand around her and kissed her hair. "Okay, it's okay. It will pass soon, just breathe, we've got you baby, we've got you".

An hour later she finally regulated her breathing, but she was still crying, silent tears that slid down her face. "Stevie, I'm sorry I scared you like this" she said, her voice hoarse.

"No, mom, no. Don't be. It's okay, I'm okay. I just want you to be okay too".

"I will, I will". She looked at Henry, a silent agreement between them that she couldn't let this get hold of her, that she must see a therapist to work through this and that neither of them had the tools to help her. No matter how much he loved her.

"Honey, I want you to try and sleep, you need to rest".

"I don't want you to leave me, I don't want to be alone" she whispered.

"We'll sleep next to you" Stevie suggested and Henry nodded in agreement. He moved closer and kissed her lips "You'll never be alone, never. I love you" he whispered and kissed her again.

Stevie looked at them and smiled. She knew her parents had a solid marriage but seeing them at that moment, after everything they've been through, it melted her heart, it made her proud and happy. This is what _in sickness and in health_ really meant, and she wished to find someone who would love her the way her father loved her mother.

They scooted in bed, holding her on each side. Henry whispered sweet words in her ear until she was sound asleep, and he was finally able to relax. He was still haunted by her words, her guilt. He was still troubled that she could actually think he'd ever leave her. And he was still waiting, and the wait was too excruciating.

It was the steady rise and fall of her breath that finally made him fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** : Thank you all for all your awesome comments! You make me so very happy! I am so sorry for the lack of update, I swear I planned on finishing this chapter on Sunday but that just didn't happen. I'm also sorry this is such a short update, I wanted to fill in a small gap before I write the next part, hopefully I will post tomorrow. I have to say I'm not sure where this is going – when I first started this one I thought it was going to be a one-shot or a max 3 chapters fic, and I imagined in my head how I wanted this story to go up to this length so each chapter since it like a shot in the dark. I have a lot of ideas in my head and I somehow try to put them together into something coherent. Not sure if it's working but I'm going along with it. Anyway, sorry for rambling! Comments are so so so welcomed!

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He waited.

He was sitting outside Dr. Sherman's office and waited for her to finish her session. She told him he shouldn't come with her, that it wasn't necessary that he'd sit outside and wait for her. But he refused to let her go in alone. He knew how much it took from her to actually agree to see a therapist, and he knew this session will have its effect on her so he figured it was best if he'd sit outside and wait for her, just to make her feel safe.

He brought some papers to grade with him, thinking it might be a good time to try and get done some of the work he had, but he was unable to concentrate. All he kept thinking of was whether or not she was crying in there, if she was breaking again with no one to hold her, if maybe she was having another panic attack. He tried to remind himself she wasn't alone and Dr. Sherman probably knew what she was doing. He also tried to focus on the silence that came from the room, but it made him wonder if his wife was sitting there and just staring at her therapist, not saying a word.

When the door finally opened he jumped off the chair. He watched her as she shook Dr. Sherman's hand and thanked her, a glimpse of a smile showing on her face. Her eyes were swollen and red and he knew she has been crying. He wanted to badly to just take her in his arms and hold her, but he knew she was trying to hold it together – for him maybe.

She stumbled on her way to him and he had to catch her. She was still weak from her latest panic attack, and her refusal to rest was not helping. He wanted to hold her still, to tell her it's okay and she can let go, but she quickly escaped his embrace.

The ride was quiet. She looked out the window and didn't say a word. He tried to hold her hand but she pulled it away. He wasn't sure if she was mad at him or if she was too broken to let him fix her. He was beginning to wonder if his idea of spending some time at their home in Virginia was a bad one. When he first thought of it the night before it seemed like a great idea. The horses always calmed her down and there was no competing with the peace and silence their property had. He wanted to allow her a place of safety, of home, of no disturbance. Just them.

It was snowing. It was this time of the year that they both loved so much because it was always snowing and the house was painted white. It was a great excuse to cuddle near the fire place and make out. But as they entered the house and she still haven't said a word he realized there was nothing that can sooth her, not at that moment anyway. He wanted so badly to know what had happened in her session, what got her to be so distant and defeated.

She was heading to their bedroom when he caught her wrist. "Babe" he called.

She turned around to face him and he leaned her against the wall behind her. He tucked her hair behind her ear and gently stroked her cheek. She closed her eyes, tears falling down as she did. He wiped them away and kissed her softly. "What's going on?" he asked when their lips broke apart and she looked at him.

"Nothing, I'm just really tired" she answered but he could tell she was avoiding him.

He decided not to push her, too afraid to wake her daemons. "Go rest for a while, I'll unpack, okay?"

She nodded and kissed him again, as if thanking him for his patience, for his understanding.

"Elizabeth?" he called, peeking into the room. He thought she was still asleep but found her sitting on the couch near the window, staring into space.

"Mm?"

He entered the room and sat the leg of the couch, as she spooned her knees to her chest to make room for him. He hated seeing her sit like this, she always looked so small, so scared. He placed his hand on her knee, and she rested hers on top of his, as they sat like this in complete silence for a few moments.

"Babe, do you really think I would ever leave you? Is that why you're being so distant all day?" he finally asked.

"What? No. I'm just…"

"Last night you kept saying – 'please don't leave me for this', and I can't stop wondering if you really believe there's a chance I will get up and leave".

"Henry…" she started, her eyes already filled with tears. "I'm sorry…"

"Babe, I don't want you to apologize, you did nothing wrong. I just want to know why you would even think that. I want you to let me fix it too".

"Henry I've done some horrible things. I won't blame you if you get up and leave".

"Elizabeth… I wish I could take this guilt away from you, I really do. I don't know how else to explain to you that none of this is your fault. You made decisions. Pretty good ones, by the way. There are always consequences, but it doesn't make it your fault. Honey, if you hadn't made those calls we would've been at war by now, not to mention all that people that would've died in the coup. I would've made the same decisions if I was in your position. And I had to make some tough calls when I was on duty, and people lost their lives there too. Baby, things happen. It doesn't make it your fault and it certainly doesn't make me love you any less".

It was so easy to fall for his words, but the guilt of what she had caused was bringing her down. "Henry, you're a good man, and one day you'll realize just how horrible I am, you will".

She was crying again. He was used to that sight of her by now, but every time it hurt him more to see her like this and to know he actually has no ability to make her feel any better. He wanted more than anything to make it stop, to take this pain away from her. "Elizabeth, we've been married for almost 26 years now. I know you inside out and upside down, and I love and admire every inch of you. There is nothing you can do that will surprise me. I wake up every day thinking how lucky I am to have you, and I just wish you'd understand that, that you'd know there's not really a way for us to be apart".

She simply nodded and he figured it was all he was going to get from her. Reason wasn't about to change how she felt; In fact, there was no point in reason anymore, because there was no way to explain all that had happened.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N** : I can't believe I got this update up and running before the end of the weekend. Hope you'll like it! Comments are a blessing!

* * *

He waited.

He wasn't even sure why, since the wait never ended, but he realized somewhere along the road that he maybe he should stop waiting – she was never going to be the same again. But he refused to give up on her, on them, on everything they were.

They were sitting on the floor by the fireplace; she was cuddled in his arms and he stroked her arm, kissing her forehead every once in a while. She was staring at the fire, listening to the creak sounds it was making. It was prefect, really – just the two of them in this place that was home for so long; where nothing bad ever really happened; where they felt protected and safe. The quiet snow falling outside, piling on the ground. The warmth of the fire that surrounded the room. The smell of her shampoo and his cologne. Their beating hearts and steady breaths. They didn't need anything more than this, he thought.

He leaned down and looked at her and she blushed, feeling exposed, as if he read her mind. And then he kissed her, his lips brushing hers lightly until she opened hers and his tongue entered her mouth, meeting hers. She rested her hand on his neck and pulled him closer to her, longing to feel him closer. It's been such a long time since they shared such an intimate kiss. Ever since she returned their kisses remained mainly light, except for the few rare occasions he was desperate for her closeness. He didn't want to push her, he didn't want to make her feel like she had to do anything she didn't want to. And this time it was all they both needed – it wasn't desperate, it was simply loving; it was that tingle in her stomach she loved so much whenever he touched her; it was them, back before she left to Iran.

But as anything these past days, it was too good to be true. It took a few seconds for this picture to change – a lightbulb outside exploded, probably from the snow, making a loud sound of broken glass, and then the power went off, and the only light in the room was that of the fire. It took him a minute to understand what had happened. He had to scan the room at first to find her – she was crawled in the corner of the room, her eyes shut tight, covering her ears with her hands, rocking her body, crying. He looked at the room around him and realized soon enough it had every element of the room in Iran, so he figured the sound of breaking glass will be a trigger, but he never thought it would have such effect on her.

He rushed over to her, wrapping his arms around her. But she pushed him away, making him fall to the floor. "Get off!" she yelled.

"Elizabeth" he cried, shocked. He knew there were still things he didn't know about what had happened in Iran, but he never imagined she would push him like this, that she would resent his touch like it was burning her. "Honey, it was just a light bulb, everything is fine". He tried but she didn't even hear him because her ears were ringing and she tried so badly to quiet that sound. It was unbearable – the sounds, the darkness, the loneliness.

He got up and started killing the fire off, hoping it would calm her down. Once the fire has died the room became completely dark and the only sound was of her cries and heavy breaths. He moved closer to her, she didn't see him. He rested his hand on her shoulder and she jumped again, moving away from his touch. "Don't… Get off" she cried.

"Elizabeth, it's just me, please. Let me hold you. I'm not going to hurt you".

"No. No. No. Don't. No. Stay down. Help will be here soon. Abdol, where are you? Stay down. Please" she mumbled, crying.

Henry sat there in silence, helpless. He didn't know what to do to help her – he figured she was feeling trapped, like she was at that place again. He wanted to hold her and reassure her she was in a safe place, that no one will hurt her, that Abdol wasn't in danger anymore. He hated that stupid light bulb and the snow and the fire. He hated that all those things that she once used to love so much drove her to such insanity. He hated that he was so useless, that he was unable to help her, that this was bigger than the both of them. He hated the understanding it's going to take a long time before she returns to normal, if that ever happens.

He called Dr. Sherman. He was so glad he got cell reception in his phone, that it wasn't too late to call and that she actually picked up. Because truth was, he had no other idea of how to help her. "Dr. Sherman, it's Henry McCord".

"Dr. McCord, good evening. How are you?"

"I'm okay, but Elizabeth, she's… I don't know what to do… She wouldn't let me near her, she's… Tell me what to do".

"Tell me what happened".

"The light bulb, it exploded, and then the electricity went down, and… The fireplace… I tried to go to her but she pushed me… I… She's – she's crying, mumbling, calling Abdol… She's covering her ears, though it's so quiet in here".

"Henry, she's been through a lot, and everything is this constant reminder of what had happened, and the memory is still so vivid in her mind, in her body. She's living this memory again right now, and you weren't part of it – she wanted you to be there with her so badly, but you weren't and she's feeling like now it's too late – that's why she's pushing you away. But you have to try again, don't give up. The only thing that will help her right now is to get her out of this situation, to help her understand she's safe, with you, not in Iran. Do something that belongs to you only, something that you know she loves – it will take time, be patient. But don't be afraid to push her to the edge, it's what she needs. Give it a try, okay? Call me if you see it's not working and I will come over. But I want you to try it out first because this is not going to be last time this is happening and I want her to understand she has you".

Henry hung up the phone and walked back to her. He picked her up in his arms – she was kicking and screaming – but he held her tight. He carried her outside, it was freezing yet so so quiet. He carried her to the stable and placed her back on the floor. She immediately ran from him, stumbling and falling on the hay.

He opened the stall of her favorite horse, Sky – she had him since she was 15 – and Sky always knew when she was feeling blue. Henry was always amazed by it – how sensitive and gentle this big animal could be. He laughed at first when Elizabeth told him her best friend was a horse. But he saw it for himself, how he moved closer to her, how he nudged her to pat him. This time was no different – Sky walked over to her, leaning down closer to her, nudging her like he always did. She still didn't move and Henry was starting to lose hope. But Sky didn't give up, he rubbed against her skin and slowly she took her hands off of her ears. It was then that Henry decided to move closer to her, careful not to startle her. Sky took a step back, as if understanding he needs to give Henry his place. Henry sat next to Elizabeth and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. And it was the first time in the past hour that she let him. She wrapped her arms around his body and nestled in his embrace, her head buried in the crook of his neck.

She slowly calmed down as he was stroking her back. "You okay?" he whispered.

"Sort of… I… What happened?"

"You don't know?" he asked, surprised.

"I… No. It feels like – I don't… How did we end up here?"

"Babe, you had another attack, a flashback I suppose".

She looked at him, scared. She realized from the look on his face it was serious; that she frightened him to death. She wanted to know what had happened, what she had done to make him so terrified. "Henry, what have I done?" she asked.

"You re-lived the moment, and I wasn't part of it. I need you to tell me more, I need you to make me a part of what had happened there so I can help you. I need… I should've been there with you, I shouldn't have let you go in alone".

"No, god no Henry. I would never want you to go through what I went through. Never. I could've lost you there, too. No. I… I need you here, I need you to be my pillar. I can't… I can't do this alone".

"Elizabeth, I will do whatever you need me to do, just don't shut me out, please. I had to call Dr. Sherman for help because you wouldn't let me near you". He said as tears were falling from his eyes. He was tough, he was holding it together for her for so long now, but this was breaking him – seeing her like this, knowing she's dealing with so much pain. It was killing him that he couldn't change it, that it was always going to be a part of her, that it was going to eat her alive.

"Okay… Okay… I'm so sorry Henry". She wiped his tears and kissed his lips – it was probably the first time she saw him break and she just couldn't bear that sight. Things must be pretty bad if he broke apart.

"Elizabeth… Why did you push me?"

"I was trapped under Fred's body. I needed to break free, but the gunfire was constant my detail, I called them but none of them answered. I had to get to Abdol and get him out of that room, and then suddenly one of Javani's agents pushed Fred away from me. I tried to get up but I felt numb and my head was exploding. And then it all turned black and I… I woke up in a car to the sounds of people talking in Arabic. I tried to sit up straight but this agent, he kept pushing my head down, holding my body. Later I realized it was because shots were fired at us and he was only protecting me, but I felt so helpless. I'm sorry I pushed you, did I hurt you?"

"No, it's alright. I'm alright. What can I do to make this feeling go away?"

She stared at him, clueless. It was frustrating because she wanted more than anything to let him help her, to let him save her. She wanted more than anything for him to be a superman for her. But she had no idea how he would save her from herself. "I don't know" she whispered, too afraid to say it out loud.

She began crying again and he tightened his grip around her. "Okay, we'll think of something, don't worry. It will be alright baby".

He kissed her more times than she could count. "I love you Liz. To the moon and back".

"I love you too Henry".

He promised himself to find the answer, the cure. He promised himself he would wait – for whatever it was he was waiting for, until the end of time.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N** : I have to confess – my plans were to write two chapters for this fic during this very long weekend I had, and to finish it (by the way, I think next chapter will be the last one) but things happened and I didn't get around to it. I hope to wrap this up by the end of the week. Thank you again for all your lovely comments and generally for all the love I'm getting, you're making me happy and you give me the motivation to keep writing. Hope you'll like this one as well.

And on a more personal note – to the author who published a part of the first chapter of this fic as their own, I'm not sure why you felt the need to do that. I promise I would've let you use my words, had you just asked and credited me. I work very hard on my words, on my English, on my ideas. If you have any value to writing and if you have any respect for me as a fellow writer, you'd give me credit for what I have written.

* * *

He waited.

He was sitting outside Dr. Sherman's office and waited for his session. He had called her the morning after Elizabeth's flashback and asked to meet her. He was determined to do everything in his power to help his wife.

"Dr. McCord?" Dr. Sherman said as she opened the door to her office.

"Call me Henry, please" he said as he shook her hand.

"So Henry" she started as they sat down. "It's nice to finally meet you in person".

Henry smiled. She was nice, but truth was he would've been much happier if he never met her.

"So why are you here Henry?"

"I… I need to help her. I don't know how else to help her".

"Henry, I think before you can help her, you have to help yourself a little – I get the feeling you're blaming yourself for this".

Henry stared at her, blank. It was the first time since this whole thing began that he was forced to sit down and think of how this was affecting him, of what it meant for him that his wife was having PTSD. Of course he was blaming himself – He should've insisted she wouldn't go. He should've played the husband card, even if it meant they'd have a fight; even though it wasn't the first time he'd done it.

"Henry?" she asked as she saw him drifting in his thoughts "Do you want to tell me what's on your mind?"

"I know bad things happen – and it's out of our control, I get that. But this – we both knew nothing good could come out of this trip to Iran and I should've insisted harder. I should've never let her go".

"Henry, you let her go because you know it was the right thing to do, and you would've done the same thing. I understand why this is hard, and why you feel like it's your fault, but let's be honest – Elizabeth would've gone either way".

"I guess… I don't know, I just feel like there's more I could've done".

"Henry, it doesn't matter anymore. You can't change what had already happened. What you can do is try to help her get through this".

"I don't know how. I'm out of ideas. I… I used to be able to have a remedy for every ache she ever had. The simplest things used to be enough to soothe her, to make her better. But not now, not anymore. I try so hard, but nothing I do work, and it seems like I'm only making things worse for her. I… I don't know what else to do. I want her to come back to me". He was crying. It was probably the first time since Elizabeth returned that he allowed himself to actually cry instead of chocking it all down.

"You know, Elizabeth hasn't told me much about you and about your relationship, not directly anyway. And yet I was able to learn that you love her deeply; that you cherish her, adore her, respect her; that you'd do anything for her. I guess that was enough to reassure me that you can handle her flashback the other night. And I wasn't wrong, was I?"

"I'm running out of rabbits, Dr. Sherman".

"Henry, you don't need magic. Just talk to her. I'm pretty sure you're the only person she'll be willing to share with. Ask her to let you be a part of it, for her sake, but for yours as well".

Dr. Sherman's words were echoing in his head on the ride home. She was right – most of the time Elizabeth shared bits and pieces of what happened, but not once they had a real conversation about how it was making her feel and how he was dealing with it all. It scared him to think he might not be able to talk to her, his own worries for her standing in the way.

He opened the front door to the smell of something burning and he wished to find her in the kitchen cooking, rather than crawled somewhere while the house was on fire. He laughed when he saw her on the phone with a takeout menu, trying to get rid of whatever it was she was trying to cook. She looked at him and smiled, shrugging, she whispered "sorry".

"Hi" he said as she hung up the phone, pulling her closer to him and giving her a light kiss.

"Hi" she answered, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in for a deeper kiss.

"How are you?" he asked once she pulled away from his lips.

"I'm okay. Wish I could say the same for that burger, though" she smiled. "How was it?"

He looked at her and smiled softly, but her eyes darkened and he could see she was concerned and afraid. Se was worried Dr. Sherman might not have the answers he was looking for. She was beginning to wonder if anyone has an answer at all; and it dawned on her that there might be a chance he'll be giving up, maybe even walk out on her, because things were never going to get any better than this.

"It was okay" he answered, caressing her cheek.

"But?" she asked, her voice breaking.

"No but, babe. It was okay. We need to sit down and talk for a while, that's what she suggested and I couldn't agree more".

Elizabeth nodded. She agreed, they needed to talk, but between reason and what she was really able to do there was a huge distance. She wanted to tell him everything – from the facts of what had really happened, through the way it all made her feel, and up to how scared she was the affects will never die down. But that thought made her heart race and her knees weak. She couldn't bring herself to open up to him; it was probably one of the things that frustrated her the most, because she knew that at the end of the day, Henry was the one person that could really help her; he was the one person who loved her enough to help her through this.

"I feel like FroYo, what do you say we go out for a walk? Frank said it was okay" Henry asked after they had lunch together.

Elizabeth wasn't stupid; she knew it was his way of getting her to talk, but she couldn't say no – she had to at least try. She had to at least hear him out, this was affecting him as well. "Yeah, sure. Let me just get my coat".

"Can I tell you something?" Henry asked as she dug her spoon into the FroYo.

Elizabeth looked at him, leaving the spoon in the cup, and nodded.

"I'm waiting for you to come back. Every day I wake up, wishing today you'll come back".

"What are you talking about Henry? I'm right here, I came back" Elizabeth answered, her eyes now wide open, not understanding what he means.

"No… Baby, you never came back. You returned home from Iran, but I keep waiting for you to come back to me – I keep waiting for you to come back to my embrace, to my touch, my advice. I keep waiting for you to come back to my listening ears and my open heart. I wish you'd come back to me". He promised himself he wouldn't break, that he would stay strong for her. He wanted them to talk about this, not to make her feel guilty that she's causing him so much pain. But he couldn't stop the tears. She was sitting next to him, so so close, looking at him with her bright blue eyes, and he couldn't stop thinking that she's not the Elizabeth he married, she was just an empty shell of the woman he loved more than anything in the world, and he missed her so much – he wanted _her_ , nothing else.

"Henry… I… I want this too, so badly… I just… I lost my way… Somewhere along the road I lost my way back to you, and I'm not sure I will ever find it".

"Why? Tell me what's going on, please".

She sighed. She wanted to tell him she wished she knew, but she realized that this answer would frustrate him as much as it frustrates her. "I… It's like – one minute I'm here with you, eating a FroYo, and the next there's this noise from the street that reminds me of the noises in the room back in Iran and then I'm back there again – lying on the floor, watching as Abdol calls his father, feeling the weight of Fred on top of me. And then it's all black and I look around me, and we're back here again, and you look at me and I can't even begin to explain what had just happened, because you'd think I lost my mind. Or when you put your arm at the small of my back – God, how I love it when you touch me like that – but at first I feel this sharp pain, and I feel as if someone is cutting me with a knife, and then I feel fingers digging in the cut, and then the feel of the needle going in and out of my skin. And honestly, I don't even know if that ever happened. I'm not sure I was even conscious when they did the stitches. And… Henry, I don't know how to make it stop. I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm still there. I want to be here. I want to be with you".

Henry sat there and listened, absorbing the feelings she was feeling, the pain, the scare, the trauma. He could only imagine what it was like for her out there, but he knew fare well what it was like to relive horrible memories, he knew what it was like to feel like they're going to eat you alive. When he returned home from _Dessert Storm_ it took him months to get rid of the images of ruined homes, of bodies lying on the ground. Even today, years later, he can watch something on TV that reminds him of what he'd seen during the war. And then he would feel like he's back there again, like everything is so vivid, so real.

"May I suggest something?" he asked, taking her hand in his.

Elizabeth smiled "I'd love that".

"I don't know if it will work, but it worked for me. Whenever I felt like I was going down that road again, entering into yet another too vivid memory, I reached out to you. No words were needed, I would just take your hand in mine, or hug you, anything to just feel your touch, to know you're next to me. The memories didn't go away, but slowly they felt more like watching a bad movie with you next to me, rather than reliving them alone. I know I wasn't there, and I only know what happened from what you tell me, and it's nothing compared to actually being there and living it. But I do know we are here, both of us, together. And maybe knowing that, feeling that, I don't know, it was enough for me to draw me away from this, to help me get back up on my feet".

"Okay" she nodded.

He pulled her closer and kissed her softly and she smiled, because he was everything. "And also… I don't want to push you, but maybe it would be good if you told me, after the memory dies down, tell me what happened, talk to me about it, it might help too".

"I'll try" she said and a tear slid down her cheek. "But Henry… can you promise me you'll wait for me? Don't give up on me".

"Never, Elizabeth. Never. I love you too much". He kissed her again, his fingers tangling in her hair. "Thank you" she whispered when his lips left hers, "I love you".


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N** : So this chapter is a complete mess, I'm sorry about that. I wanted to finish this story, and I started writing it and then had to leave it for a few days and when I finally returned to it, I got kind of lost in the words in my head. I'm not so sure about how this turned out, so I'd love to hear your thoughts. This is the last chapter for this story, even though I didn't have enough of the whole Iran storyline. But I will try to get back to "You're the Only One I've Got" as some of you asked! And I have a few more stories in work. Plus, season 2 is right around the corner! Anyway, thank you so much for reading and reviewing this, you gave me reason to continue! You're the best!

* * *

 _3 months later_

"Henry?" a husky voice called from the other end of the line.

"Babe? What's wrong?" he asked, worried. He felt the floor moving beneath him, making him stumble. He had to lean against the desk behind him.

"No… Um… Nothing" she said, clearing her voice. She could almost see him breaking to the sound of her so defeated, again.

"Honey what happened?" he asked again, this time more demanding,

"I just really needed to hear your voice" She whispered.

"You had a flashback?" he asked. He didn't want to bring it up because if he was wrong, it would send her into a flashback just because he mentioned it, but he didn't hear her so broken in over a month and he knew fare well only one thing could make her break like this.

"Yeah".

"Do you want me to come over? I can be there in 15 minutes".

She was quiet. She didn't know what to say. Of course she wanted him to come, she wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and let him hold her. But she had meetings that she couldn't cancel and she couldn't stop thinking of how bad it looks that her husband shows up whenever she's having a flashback; how weak she must look to her staff, to the President, to the people she was meeting with.

"Babe? We could go out for a walk at the park".

"That would be great" she finally answered. A walk at the park wasn't so bad, they used to have walks like this all the time so she figured it won't look suspicious.

"You coming?" he texted her when the car stopped at the entrance of the building.

"Be there in a minute" she texted back. She had to get her coat and put her shoes on. "Blake?" she called.

"Yes Ma'am?" he asked, entering her office.

"I'm… I'm going out for a walk with Henry. I'll be back before my next meeting, but if something comes up, we're not going to go far, so call me".

"Yeah, sure". Blake spent so much time around her he knew her too well by now. That's why she didn't even look at him when she told him she was leaving – she passed by him on her way out, her head ducked down, never meeting his eyes. She didn't want him to know, to see right through her. And he respected her too much to show her he knows without even looking at her. It's not that she was obvious, it was that he cared so much about her, and that Henry had given him every possible sign he could think of so Blake would know if she ever had a flashback or a panic attack. Yet he felt the need to follow her, to walk her to the elevator and outside until he saw she was in Henry's arms. She didn't argue. She was used to having him follow her around. At first she frowned; she called Henry to yell at him for sharing Blake but Henry was defensive and explained that if she wants to go back to work this was the way it was going to be. He explained it was the only way he could have some piece of mind. She couldn't argue with that.

"So do you want to tell me about it?" Henry asked as they strolled down the lane, his hand wrapped tight around her waist.

"It was just the usual – my ears were ringing and I could hear gunshots and the screams of Abdol. And then I felt like the room was closing in on me and I had to remind myself to breathe. It died down eventually, and luckily I was alone in my office when it happened, but it made me feel so helpless again. Just when I thought I finally have this whole PTSD under control". She wiped a tear away, and Henry kissed her head and pulled her closer. She was trying so hard not to cry, she didn't want to enter the meeting with swollen eyes, but she was barely able to keep it down the first time.

"Do you know what triggered the flashback?"

"Yes… It's… It's Fred's birthday today. It popped on my screen. I… When I entered this job I put in the staff's birthday dates so I would never forget to wish them happy birthday. I never got around to erasing his. I don't know – maybe I forgot, or I didn't want to… But then it just popped up out of nowhere…" she wiped another tear and sighed. It was beginning to be too much – the memory, the feelings, the cold air outside.

They sat on one of the benches at the park and Henry took her hand in his. She was cold and shivering so he took his coat off and covered her, pulling her into his embrace as he stroked her, trying to warm her body. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, allowing herself to finally relax.

"Henry I can't do this anymore. I… I can't feel like someone is sucking the oxygen out of the room every time I hear the word Iran. I'm so tired…"

"Honey, it will get better, it will. Hang in there".

"Will it Henry? Because it doesn't feel like it" she said and tears were sliding down her cheeks again. She didn't bother to wipe them down, it was too obvious she was crying by now.

"Babe I know it hard, because you're in this whole thing, but things are already better than they were when you returned home. And you should look at all you have accomplished. Three months ago I had to beg you to tell me what happened, to let me hold you. It took a very long time for you to calm down from an attack and it always drained you out".

"Henry it still drains me out. I feel so helpless. I… I come here every day and solve world crisis but I can't seem to solve this one thing I have. I feel so lost, still. I'm so tired of feeling this sadness, this emptiness. I'm always alerted and edgy. I just want to sit in a room without jumping at each passing car on the street. I… I keep hoping things will return to how they were before I left for Iran but it's never going to happen, is it?"

He lifted her chin to him so he could look into her eyes. He wiped her tears away and smiled. Elizabeth looked at him but didn't say a word. And then she suddenly stood, taking his coat off and giving it back to him. "I have to go" she whispered and began walking back into her office. Henry sat there, surprised. He wanted to chase her, to catch her. He wanted to tell her she can't just get up and leave like that, that she never gave him a chance to answer. "Elizabeth!" he called, but she kept walking, never looking back.

She came home late that night. He lied awake in bed and waited for her. She opened their bedroom door and quietly entered the bed next to him. She lied on her back, staring at the ceiling. This day was too much for her.

"Why did you run off?" he whispered.

"I… I don't know. It was too much" she answered, her voice breaking.

"What was too much? The flashback or my presence?"

She sat up, looking down at him. She saw in his eyes she really hurt him when she left. "Henry, your presence is never too much. It was the feeling of going backwards that was too much for me".

"Okay, but why didn't you stay so we could talk about it?"

She sighed. If only she had the words to explain to him why she had to run away, why she couldn't sit there and talk to him about it. He was so optimistic, so gentle. He was trying so hard to make her feel safe, to make sure she knows it's okay to fall apart. But at that moment she couldn't take it – she was mad at herself for falling into that flashback again, for letting it take a hold of her.

Henry looked at her, trying to read her minds. "Elizabeth. Am I pushing you too hard?"

"No!" she said, her voice rising. "You're not pushing me enough Henry! I… I need you to push me harder, I need you to force me to face the things that remind me of Iran. I… I have to learn how to deal with them, I can't let it paralyze me every single time".

And then suddenly he rolled on top of her, pinning her down beneath him, his hands on each side of her body. She gasped, surprised by his actions, the feeling of suffocation running through her. Henry knew – for 4 months he never once lied on top of her, the image of Fred on top of her still so lucid in his mind. This was pushing one of her biggest fears – dealing with the feeling of a man's body on top of her, unable to move. He noticed just how skinny she had become, how tiny her form was and he wondered if it was possible he will break her.

She was fighting the urge to push him off of her, her breathings becoming shorter, her eyes welling up with tears. And then he leaned closer and kissed her lips so softly it nearly killed her. She rested her hand on his cheek and pulled him closer to her, trying desperately to calm down, to concentrate on the fact that it was him, no one else. His tongue danced in her mouth, his lips so warm against hers. He pulled away to allow her some air but she pulled him back, feeling as if he was her source for oxygen, as if he reminded her of how to breathe. Their kissing continued for a while until finally he pulled away, still on top of her.

"Thank you" she whispered, and though she smiled, tears were rolling down her face.

He couldn't bear this sight so he rolled off of her, getting out of their bed. She sat up, looking at him as he was pacing in the room, as he looked so defeated. "Henry… I'm okay… I… I'm sorry" she sighed.

"Henry" she called when he didn't respond. She stood up and walked to him, making him stand still. "Remember you told me you're waiting for me to come back to you? That's just part of it – I want to be able to be with you like we used to. I want you to stop fearing so much that you're going to send me into a panic attack".

Henry nodded. He realized the logic in what she was saying, he knew she was right – he had to let go too, because things were never going to be normal again, but they both had to at least try. He kissed her again, resting his hands on the small of her back, right on her scar, pulling her closer. Another trigger – but she didn't mind. It was where his hands belonged.

"I love you Henry. So so much". She said in between kisses.

"I like you okay too" he whispered and they both laughed.

As they crawled back into bed he pulled her closer, her head resting against his chest. His fingers were moving through her hair making her fall asleep in his arms. "Tomorrow is a new day" he whispered and fell asleep too.

It was going to be a while before days like this will stop happening, but it didn't matter anymore – she came back – home, to him, right to where she belonged. And they had each other, and it's all that really mattered.

" _I have died every day waiting for you_

 _Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_

 _For a thousand years_

 _I'll love you for a thousand more"_

* * *

 _Fin_


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